I've got no problems going to see a marriage counselor but I don't know if she's willing to. I'm going need to address this question with her soon, probably tomorrow. Maybe at the very least, a counselor can help us decide whether the marriage is worth saving or not. If the professional opinion is nay, then I'll be able to say I gave it one last shot.
The ideal marriage counselor would be well informed on the current outlook for the housing market and have to have seen the Dec.14 episode of 60 Minutes which featured Whitney Tilson talking about the next wave of foreclosures. That's so that a person of authority can explain to her that there is no reason to rush out and buy a house right now.
A marriage counselor with those prerequisites is probably going to be impossible to find. Does anybody know of a house buying counselor with the same prereq's?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
There's other stuff going on here. She's not behaving rationally, so arguing with her rationally (about Whitney Tilson etc.) isn't going to help.
ReplyDeleteThe marriage counselor is a great idea. They don't have to know about the housing market because the house ISN'T YOUR REAL PROBLEM. Your real problem is that your wife is behaving like a crazy person. So there are two possibilities. Either she really is crazy--diagnosably bipolar, in which case medication could help--and a marriage counselor can help you determine if this really the case.
Or, she's not actually crazy, she's just feeling despair and abandonment, and her rage is her (dysfunctional) way of trying to make you react to what she's feeling. She probably feels like you don't care about her, and when you react to her (crazy) rage by ignoring her, it just confirms her suspicions and makes her madder. When you say things to her like "I don't want to go to your birthday party because I'm not feeling well," instead of the truth, which is "I can't be around you like nothing happened after you just threw a crazy fit and spit in my face," again, it probably reads to her as if NOTHING SHE DOES can make you care at all. I would guess that she really wants a strong reaction from you, she wants to see strength and passion in her husband. Your passivity probably frightens her on a deep level. She's asking herself, "how can I trust this guy to take care of me and my son when he doesn't give a shit about anything I do? What's wrong with him? Is he a complete wimp? Or does he just not care about me at all?"
Now, her behavior is absolutely unacceptable, and she needs to own up to that. Especially screaming at you in front of your son. You are absolutely right--that is EXTREMELY traumatic for a child to witness. Especially for a son to witness his mother tearing into his father. That kind of thing can leave your son with a really screwed-up attitude toward women and a lot of resentment against his mom. It's really, really, really bad and she needs to cut it out right away. But again, a marriage counselor can help with this.
When two people create their own little world together, it's possible for them to behave in ways that they never would in public. This crazy private dynamic develops. One reason that it's good to see a marriage counselor is that you can drag all these things into the light, and just by having a third party there, she may become aware of just how unacceptable her behavior has been.
And the counselor can help you two both figure out what's really going on, because obviously you're not communicating well. If what she wants from you is a reaction, a show of strength and passion, the counselor can help her find better ways to ask for that from you--and can help you find ways to give the support that she's, in a twisted way, trying to get from you.
My guess is that the house thing has become a symbol for other things in your marriage. It's a symbol for YOUR willingness to protect her and to provide for her and her son. She's scared and full of anxiety about her future. She wants a sign that you will be there to support and protect her. The house is a physical expression of that protection and support. And she's going crazy about this because, to a woman, to a mother, these things are vitally important. Somewhere in her subconscious cavewoman brain, she's worried about SURVIVAL. She's thinking "who will protect my child when the sabretooth tiger attacks? Who will feed my son when winter comes? Will my husband hunt down a mammoth to feed us? Will he find us a warm cave to sleep in? What if he can't? What if he won't? WE'LL DIE! WE'LL ALL DIE! AAAAAHHHHH!" And then she goes crazy and knocks the cookie plate out of your hand.
Anyway, I don't know you or her so maybe I'm completely wrong. But the marriage counselor is a great idea because you two really need to start communicating honestly about what is really going on.
And if you do manage to reconnect, she should sit down with your son and explain to him that she shouldn't have yelled at you like that, and that she actually really respects you, and sometimes people get mad and they say things they don't mean, but that she's going to work on not doing that anymore. Because really, your son needs to hear that his mom and dad are both good people and can be relied on. That's very important for kids.
Good luck.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete@Shannon,
ReplyDeleteI was joking about the marriage counselor and Tilson thing. She needs to decide to go to counseling on her own free will, I can't force her to go. If she refuses to go then she's not going to get the medical attention that she needs. I mean, I can't just call an ambulance to haul her off to the hospital.
I'm pretty certain that she is feeling inferior because she doesn't have a house when all her friends do and that is the main reason for her obsession with having to buy one asap. But yes it is certainly possible that there are underlying issues going on. And maybe seeing a counselor is the only way to air those out.
Your suggestion for us both to have a talk with our son and explain things to him is spot on. I hadn't even consider doing that. I'm going to talk to him about it very soon but can't guarantee that she will.
Your very thoughtful and caring comments are touching and I do appreciate it.
@bullthistle,
ReplyDeleteYou've made your point once before already. Please stop wasting my blog space.
Did you know, slotmonkey, that this entertaining blog has been featured in a national real estate news service:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.inman.com/news/2009/02/6/homeownership-obsession-taken-too-far
I'm only surprised there haven't been more people "wasting your blog space"
@Shannon, VERY good advice. Well written!
ReplyDelete@slotmonkey, I think marriage counseling is the best next step. If she's not willing to do that with you then she doesn't want to save the marriage and it truly is over. Go to marriage counseling together. If she truly has a chemical imbalance perhaps the marriage counselor will pick up on that and suggest to her to see a shrink on her own. YOU do not want to be the one to try and talk her into going to see a shrink. Shannon's right in that you need to be honest with her. Feigning sickness isn't communicating. You need to be over-communicating at this point. If it still goes south you'll know you've done everything you could.
Also, you sound really passive in these arguments. Like when she screamed at you and threw your TV tray and you just looked at the floor until she stopped. That's a really Type B, introverted personality trait. She wants someone who's a tough guy who will stand up to her. Someone she can respect physically. (I'm not saying hit her, just stand up to her abuse and be a man.)
ReplyDelete@Anon 1,
ReplyDeleteThat surprises me, how fast the internet is.
@Anon 2,
No go. Take two to tango.
@Anon 3,
Way off base. You better check with a professional on that.
He is passive when she acts like that, or he goes to jail. He would anyway if she called the cops and said she was afraid. Welcome to the real world.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous age 66
I still think this marriage is completely over. Violent and irrational acts make it so. Counseling is one of those things promoted by feminized society for defusing male power. You can be SURE that the huge bills for counseling will be borne by the male. It's designed to confuse him and decapitalize him.
ReplyDeleteThe wife is a certified harpy. She's done things that sworn enemies regularly do to each other. The outcome is obvious. Prolonging or shortening the pain is now up to the husband.