Saturday, February 14, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I'm taking a time out
I had planned on getting the divorce paper work started this afternoon but my brother in law talked me into hold off. He strongly recommends that we give marriage counseling a try before calling it quits. I really respect his opinion because he's been to counseling before and have experience how helpful it can be. Also he really knows the importance of a family staying together when kids are involved.
That's in light of the fact that she has changed her mind and is now willing to go to counseling and want to save the marriage. But I'm very suspicious of this abrupt reversal in her attitude. She did an about face in like 30 minutes and I sensed something didn't feel right. I could be wrong, but I can't be absolutely sure she doesn't have an ulterior motive. Yesterday she was pleading for me to give her a second chance and I refused. I had been wanting to escape for so long, I'm not about to give her another chance to hurt me again. I want to bail now and that is the best decision for me, absolutely.
But breaking up the family is not the best decision for our son. That I'm certain of. I don't want him to suffer anymore damage to his life if I can help it. And if she is genuine about really want to change maybe there is a chance to save the marriage, I don't know. I have a hard time trusting anything she says right now. I'm going to need to sleep on this.
That's in light of the fact that she has changed her mind and is now willing to go to counseling and want to save the marriage. But I'm very suspicious of this abrupt reversal in her attitude. She did an about face in like 30 minutes and I sensed something didn't feel right. I could be wrong, but I can't be absolutely sure she doesn't have an ulterior motive. Yesterday she was pleading for me to give her a second chance and I refused. I had been wanting to escape for so long, I'm not about to give her another chance to hurt me again. I want to bail now and that is the best decision for me, absolutely.
But breaking up the family is not the best decision for our son. That I'm certain of. I don't want him to suffer anymore damage to his life if I can help it. And if she is genuine about really want to change maybe there is a chance to save the marriage, I don't know. I have a hard time trusting anything she says right now. I'm going to need to sleep on this.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I need help
"Even if she won't get counseling, you can go alone. You might get some insight into why you decided to air your dirty laundry in the blogosphere."
Am I really a certifiable looney?
Am I really a certifiable looney?
Monday, February 9, 2009
Almost bought 3 years ago
Her sister struck it rich 3 years ago and while looking for an investment property in Pleasanton found this townhouse and offered to let us buy it instead because it was such a great deal, below market and all. I rejected the idea because it didn't make sense for me to be driving that horrendous Sunol Grade commute everyday to get to my jobs here on the peninsula everyday. Then you can buy it as an investment property they then so generously offered. A nationally syndicated radio financial planner thought it would be financial suicide given our financial situation, confirming my thoughts.
When I told her that I don't want to buy it because it will not be a wise thing for us to do, man, she went ballistic. Throwing furniture, screaming that I am ruining her only chance in life to own real estate. After suffering her rage day after day, I caved in and agreed to buy it just to get her off my back. As I was calling her sister's husband to tell him that we are going to buy it, she changes her mind and said no she didn't want it. She didn't want us to buy it just so that it would get her off my back. Guess that wouldn't look too good on her.
Well if Pleasanton is too far, hey let's start looking in the Sunnyvale area. For 500k all we could find was an ugly townhouse with less than 900 sf. There was not anything else with a garage for under 500k. Smallest houses less than 1000 sf were going for over 600k. Remember, that was the time when prices were at the height of lunacy. I said no way we are going to buy at these ridiculous prices. Price I said will come down cuz they are just too out of whack with reality. Her sister's husband disagreed, along with rest of the population. They and everyone else were saying that price never ever go down in the Bay Area and if you didn't believe that you were a laughingstock. They're not laughing at us now.
I bet the sister's husband a dinner that price will drop if not in one year then in two. A month ago I reminded him of our little bet and offered him double or nothing. I said Bay Area prices will be lower a year from now. He didn't think so because prices have fallen so much already, so we are on for another dinner.
I'm pretty confident that second dinner is in the bag. Unless of course the new Administration can pull off one miracle after another.
The thing that bugs me is that she never gave me any credit for making a good decision 3 years ago, to not to buy then.
When I told her that I don't want to buy it because it will not be a wise thing for us to do, man, she went ballistic. Throwing furniture, screaming that I am ruining her only chance in life to own real estate. After suffering her rage day after day, I caved in and agreed to buy it just to get her off my back. As I was calling her sister's husband to tell him that we are going to buy it, she changes her mind and said no she didn't want it. She didn't want us to buy it just so that it would get her off my back. Guess that wouldn't look too good on her.
Well if Pleasanton is too far, hey let's start looking in the Sunnyvale area. For 500k all we could find was an ugly townhouse with less than 900 sf. There was not anything else with a garage for under 500k. Smallest houses less than 1000 sf were going for over 600k. Remember, that was the time when prices were at the height of lunacy. I said no way we are going to buy at these ridiculous prices. Price I said will come down cuz they are just too out of whack with reality. Her sister's husband disagreed, along with rest of the population. They and everyone else were saying that price never ever go down in the Bay Area and if you didn't believe that you were a laughingstock. They're not laughing at us now.
I bet the sister's husband a dinner that price will drop if not in one year then in two. A month ago I reminded him of our little bet and offered him double or nothing. I said Bay Area prices will be lower a year from now. He didn't think so because prices have fallen so much already, so we are on for another dinner.
I'm pretty confident that second dinner is in the bag. Unless of course the new Administration can pull off one miracle after another.
The thing that bugs me is that she never gave me any credit for making a good decision 3 years ago, to not to buy then.
To be fair
One of her biggest reason for buying instead of renting is that we are throwing our rent money down the drain every month, receiving nothing back in return in terms of equity. She would throw the numbers at me like: $16,200 a year in rent, in ten years $162,000 we would have flushed down the rent drain. I must admit she has a very valid point and it does make me feel pretty stupid sometimes considering that 162k is a pretty big and hard nut to swallow. I messed up on that one, I'll admit that.
Sure, if I would've bought a house 9 years ago you wouldn't be reading this right now. If we could turn back the hands of time, like Ground Hog Day, heck we would all have perfect lives. Guess it's my lousy luck that I happen to live in a city where houses are pretty darn expensive and my livelihood pretty much anchors me geographically so that it is not feasible for me to move further away to areas where housing prices are much lower.
Sure, if I would've bought a house 9 years ago you wouldn't be reading this right now. If we could turn back the hands of time, like Ground Hog Day, heck we would all have perfect lives. Guess it's my lousy luck that I happen to live in a city where houses are pretty darn expensive and my livelihood pretty much anchors me geographically so that it is not feasible for me to move further away to areas where housing prices are much lower.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Hope he's going to be ok
A month or two ago, she had casually asked our son how he would feel if we got a divorce. He said no he will not like it, that he will not like us doing what he sees his two cousins and their parents do. Her sister's two kids get picked up on Friday's by their father to spend time with him for the weekend.
He was not feeling well the whole day. He had a temp of 101, sore throat, headache, stomach ache and general body ache. These are symptoms of the onset of the common cold. These same symptoms could also be manifestations of stress, as I'm told by people in the heath care field. I hope it's the former and not the latter.
He was not feeling well the whole day. He had a temp of 101, sore throat, headache, stomach ache and general body ache. These are symptoms of the onset of the common cold. These same symptoms could also be manifestations of stress, as I'm told by people in the heath care field. I hope it's the former and not the latter.
No to counseling
She refuses to go see a marriage counselor. She sees it as someone I'm hiring to take my side against her. Even after I explained to her that a marriage counselor does not take sides and will listen to both sides, no dice. She refuses to admit that her angry rages on me and in front of our son is unacceptable behavior. I tried to explain to her that if I did to her what she did to me last weekend, I could be put in jail for it. Nope, not her fault, she blames me for doing things to make her angry. OK, I owned up to that, I've done things to make her angry. But the way you express your anger is unacceptable. Nope, I made her angry. If she had stabbed me with a knife and she tells the judge that I made her do it cuz I made her angry, I pretty sure she will not be found innocent. Well, unless of course she had the dream team like OJ had. But I heard that he's getting his just dessert finally. And if she is to change her behavior then I have to change mine she says. I guess I will have to start doing things like buying a house right away to not make her angry anymore. Don't think so.
I am not happy as I write all this. I was well prepared to stick it out and stay in a loveless marriage. But not if she doesn't get some professional help first. I've got no other choice. So we both agreed that we will get a divorce. I expect she'll do everything in her power to get the best of me in the settlement because she has a very vengeful streak in her. For starters I'm sure she wants to get even with me for wasting nine years of her life not living in house that we owned.
I am not happy as I write all this. I was well prepared to stick it out and stay in a loveless marriage. But not if she doesn't get some professional help first. I've got no other choice. So we both agreed that we will get a divorce. I expect she'll do everything in her power to get the best of me in the settlement because she has a very vengeful streak in her. For starters I'm sure she wants to get even with me for wasting nine years of her life not living in house that we owned.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Is counseling going to help?
I've got no problems going to see a marriage counselor but I don't know if she's willing to. I'm going need to address this question with her soon, probably tomorrow. Maybe at the very least, a counselor can help us decide whether the marriage is worth saving or not. If the professional opinion is nay, then I'll be able to say I gave it one last shot.
The ideal marriage counselor would be well informed on the current outlook for the housing market and have to have seen the Dec.14 episode of 60 Minutes which featured Whitney Tilson talking about the next wave of foreclosures. That's so that a person of authority can explain to her that there is no reason to rush out and buy a house right now.
A marriage counselor with those prerequisites is probably going to be impossible to find. Does anybody know of a house buying counselor with the same prereq's?
The ideal marriage counselor would be well informed on the current outlook for the housing market and have to have seen the Dec.14 episode of 60 Minutes which featured Whitney Tilson talking about the next wave of foreclosures. That's so that a person of authority can explain to her that there is no reason to rush out and buy a house right now.
A marriage counselor with those prerequisites is probably going to be impossible to find. Does anybody know of a house buying counselor with the same prereq's?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I'm not against buying a house
I am well aware of the advantages of owning a house, from tax advantages to pride of ownership. And nobody can kick you out because they sold the place, which is what happened to us two years ago when the duplex we were renting got sold to someone who was going to live there. We actually tossed around the idea of buying that duplex then for $740k. It didn't take but a few minutes to figure that it would cost us two and a half to three times more to own that 800 sf house than to rent it and we quickly decided it wasn't really worth it. Good thing too because that place is only worth 582k today according to zillow.
From all the information that I've seen, none have said prices are going back up anytime soon. In fact, most of the experts opinion is that prices are still falling at a pretty good clip and Bay Area prices are projected to drop 20% this year. But she won't listen to any of it, she sees it as me trying to change her mind and there is no way anybody is going to stop her from buying a house right now. Her mind in made up and nothing is going to change it. I'm in no hurry to buy but if a good deal comes along I wouldn't mind being a homeowner.
From all the information that I've seen, none have said prices are going back up anytime soon. In fact, most of the experts opinion is that prices are still falling at a pretty good clip and Bay Area prices are projected to drop 20% this year. But she won't listen to any of it, she sees it as me trying to change her mind and there is no way anybody is going to stop her from buying a house right now. Her mind in made up and nothing is going to change it. I'm in no hurry to buy but if a good deal comes along I wouldn't mind being a homeowner.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The source of her rage
Four years ago, her girlfriend's brother bought a house in Santa Clara. When she found out and came home to tell me about it, I could see tears welling up in her eyes she was so mad. To paraphrase her, here was somebody who couldn't even speak English, achieving the American dream and here she was married to someone who's been in America for over 35 years and speaks perfect English but still don't own a house. I think she felt lowered, it really got under her skin. Maybe she felt inferior, a second class citizen. She's been obsessed with buying a house ever since that day.
This same girlfriend of hers just recently bought a house in SF. When she found out, she vowed we are going buy a house before the start of summer or we're splitsville.
She has made up her mind that come hell or high water she's going to buy a house right now because all the realtors that she has talked to are all saying "This is a great time to buy". Have you ever heard a realtor tell you it's a bad time to buy, don't buy now? Heck no. That's how they make their money, when you buy a house. They always say it's a good time to buy.
This same girlfriend of hers just recently bought a house in SF. When she found out, she vowed we are going buy a house before the start of summer or we're splitsville.
She has made up her mind that come hell or high water she's going to buy a house right now because all the realtors that she has talked to are all saying "This is a great time to buy". Have you ever heard a realtor tell you it's a bad time to buy, don't buy now? Heck no. That's how they make their money, when you buy a house. They always say it's a good time to buy.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I give up
After nine years of marriage, the events that transpired this pass weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back. It will be best for all parties involved if we end this now instead of prolonging the agony.
Saturday morning we left at 11 am to go look at houses for sale in Sunnyvale and Santa Clara. We came back at 3 pm and I said I need to take Raymond to the park so he could get out and play. He had stayed in the car practically the whole time while we went out and looked at each house. For an 8 year old boy looking at houses is downright boring. So he entertains himself playing with his Gameboy or read a book while he waited for us in the car.
She starts yelling that I'm not going to take Raymond to the park until either we get a divorce so she could buy a house on her own or I make an offer on a house that we've looked at. She accuses me of wasting 9 years of her life by not owning the house we live in. I don't yell back at her, I just leave with Raymond to the park.
After dinner I stayed in the bedroom while she's watching tv in the living room. It's clear that I'm going to be sleeping on the sofa that night. I'm sitting on the sofa at 1 in the morning eating a cookie holding a small dish to catch the crumbs. She comes storming out of the bedroom and knocks the dish out of my hands and it goes flying across the room. She is screaming that I'm not going to get to enjoy life if she doesn't get to have happiness in her life. She picks up the tv tray table and heaves it across the room. Her face is all red because she is just madder than hell.
She screams at me that she hates me and vowed to make my life a living hell. She then spits in my face and screams that she hates me. She is in a total rage. If someone had put a knife in her hand at the moment I'm sure she would have stabbed me in the heart with it, that's how angry she was. Through out all this I'm just looking down on the floor avoiding eye contact with her. I don't even respond, I just sit there and take her venom. I know that if I scream back, the situation will just erupt and get worst. I didn't sleep very well on the sofa that night.
Next morning after she comes out of the bedroom to take a shower, I climbed in bed so I could get some sleep because I was feeling very tired from not getting any sleep.
After she comes out of the shower she becomes livid upon seeing me sleeping in bed. She starts screaming that I can't sleep in that bed because it's not my bed anymore. She pulls the comforter off and then pulls all the sheets off, all the time screaming at the top of her lungs. She pulls the pillow from under me and starts hitting me with it. She grabs me by my shirt and tries to pull me off the bed, ripping the shirt. She did not succeed at getting me off the bed and makes her angrier and she starts screaming for a divorce "I don't care that it's my birthday, I want a divorce right now, let's go see a divorce lawyer right now". This went on for probably been an hour.
At about 1 pm she comes in and ask if I'm going to her birthday dinner party that evening over in Pleasanton with her family. I said no I'm not, I don't feel well. Then she very politely tells me that she wants me to go to her birthday dinner. I guess she didn't want to lose face by me not showing up. I told her no I am not going because I'm feeling ill. How can I possibly go and pretend nothing has happened? Does she really expect me to go spend time with her and her family and pretend nothing has happened and everything is fine? I hope she gets the message that I still have a backbone.
She is behaving like this all because we haven't bought a house, that we don't own the house we live in. She accuses me of wasting nine years of her life. After seeing the extreme intensity of her rage, I'm beginning to think she has psychological problems. Or maybe she really does hate me with a passion.
I used to think that staying together was best for our son. But now I'm afraid that he may potentially be harmed psychologically from witnessing all this anger and rage. I've asked her numerous times not to yell and scream in front of Raymond. She screams back that she don't care. If we are not together, at least Raymond won't be exposed to all the yelling and screaming.
Saturday morning we left at 11 am to go look at houses for sale in Sunnyvale and Santa Clara. We came back at 3 pm and I said I need to take Raymond to the park so he could get out and play. He had stayed in the car practically the whole time while we went out and looked at each house. For an 8 year old boy looking at houses is downright boring. So he entertains himself playing with his Gameboy or read a book while he waited for us in the car.
She starts yelling that I'm not going to take Raymond to the park until either we get a divorce so she could buy a house on her own or I make an offer on a house that we've looked at. She accuses me of wasting 9 years of her life by not owning the house we live in. I don't yell back at her, I just leave with Raymond to the park.
After dinner I stayed in the bedroom while she's watching tv in the living room. It's clear that I'm going to be sleeping on the sofa that night. I'm sitting on the sofa at 1 in the morning eating a cookie holding a small dish to catch the crumbs. She comes storming out of the bedroom and knocks the dish out of my hands and it goes flying across the room. She is screaming that I'm not going to get to enjoy life if she doesn't get to have happiness in her life. She picks up the tv tray table and heaves it across the room. Her face is all red because she is just madder than hell.
She screams at me that she hates me and vowed to make my life a living hell. She then spits in my face and screams that she hates me. She is in a total rage. If someone had put a knife in her hand at the moment I'm sure she would have stabbed me in the heart with it, that's how angry she was. Through out all this I'm just looking down on the floor avoiding eye contact with her. I don't even respond, I just sit there and take her venom. I know that if I scream back, the situation will just erupt and get worst. I didn't sleep very well on the sofa that night.
Next morning after she comes out of the bedroom to take a shower, I climbed in bed so I could get some sleep because I was feeling very tired from not getting any sleep.
After she comes out of the shower she becomes livid upon seeing me sleeping in bed. She starts screaming that I can't sleep in that bed because it's not my bed anymore. She pulls the comforter off and then pulls all the sheets off, all the time screaming at the top of her lungs. She pulls the pillow from under me and starts hitting me with it. She grabs me by my shirt and tries to pull me off the bed, ripping the shirt. She did not succeed at getting me off the bed and makes her angrier and she starts screaming for a divorce "I don't care that it's my birthday, I want a divorce right now, let's go see a divorce lawyer right now". This went on for probably been an hour.
At about 1 pm she comes in and ask if I'm going to her birthday dinner party that evening over in Pleasanton with her family. I said no I'm not, I don't feel well. Then she very politely tells me that she wants me to go to her birthday dinner. I guess she didn't want to lose face by me not showing up. I told her no I am not going because I'm feeling ill. How can I possibly go and pretend nothing has happened? Does she really expect me to go spend time with her and her family and pretend nothing has happened and everything is fine? I hope she gets the message that I still have a backbone.
She is behaving like this all because we haven't bought a house, that we don't own the house we live in. She accuses me of wasting nine years of her life. After seeing the extreme intensity of her rage, I'm beginning to think she has psychological problems. Or maybe she really does hate me with a passion.
I used to think that staying together was best for our son. But now I'm afraid that he may potentially be harmed psychologically from witnessing all this anger and rage. I've asked her numerous times not to yell and scream in front of Raymond. She screams back that she don't care. If we are not together, at least Raymond won't be exposed to all the yelling and screaming.
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